long black tears

monday is a day of long black tears
with heart torn and heavily bruised.
where i wonder again why didn’t i kill myself
so long ago, before i had met you.

only the simple joy of folding laundry
can save my life now.
why can’t i say goodbye to those
who go away, without remorse?

as a preteen i lost my mother
i should have just ended it all
way back then. for now i still have
the monumental pain of losing you.

moonday morning, bleak white sky
of winter. i only need to find
my direction again. a reason
to live again. without you in my life.

for now i am at a loss
with no reason to get up in the morning
and little hope of finding work.
and i wonder what i am to do with myself.

for what is my true reason for living?
how can i pull myself together and
find a way to make a new life?
it seems now all i can do is paint and sigh.

why? did i have to pin my heart on you.
no one should ever hang their reason for living
on the life and love of a lover, and yet
that is exactly what i made the mistake of doing.

i must refocus my heart to
the broadest face of humanity.
and live for strangers as well as
dear lovers and ancestors.

yet i will still long always
for the warmth of your
soft touch, and your sweat singing
salty on my skin in the night.

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