My self destructive tendencies

My self destructive tendencies seem to be mostly aligned with my need for self medication. If it were not for coffee, herb and alcohol I would probably be fine on my prescription of zoloft and oestrogen. Still, I love to smoke so much that I do it greedily. I smoke on and on until I run out. I smoke far more than is necessary to get proper effect in most instances. Herb is so expensive I all too often drink alcohol at the same time to prolong the effect. The problem with that is the following additional damage to my liver, and the effect that I become lethargic and I want to lie down or sleep.

The problem is I don’t feel up to the challenge of quitting drinking alcohol entirely anymore. I have in the past. Now, it is harder to see the advantage of the sobriety. Perhaps if I was successful at sobriety I could again enlighten myself to a better way of being, but for now i cannot see it. There once was a time when I was totally sober for a good 6 months here and 3 months there. By the end of each of these periods I would be eager to rejoin the rest of society with social drinking or smoking. Typically these bouts were urged along by eating 4g or so of psyilocyben and seeing in stark relief that damage that addiction or even casual use was doing to my life, my body, my mind and I would have my mind changed with a resoluteness would have been very difficult in a conventional state of mind.

This makes me think; Why do I always want to smell my finger after finger-fucking my ass. It must be some primordial response to want to know what your shit smells like so that you can tell it apart from the herd or your mates. I wonder if humans smelled each other like dogs, would we get a quicker or more accurate rendering of other people?

My boobs hurt enough from my second puberty of progesterone and estrogen stimulated development I should think that that would be enough pain for me to undergo. The mental anguish of my incongruent genitalia and masculine brow and chin is a feeble excuse for needing to dull the pain by abusing drugs. It is harmful to my body, it is expensive, and perhaps worst of all it robs me of the energy and concentration I could have to put into other productive endeavors. In classic abuser style, one of my best friends has similar abuse problems. My spouse also has issues and genetic lineage with an alcohol soaked past. I know how to quit from previous experience freeing myself from tobacco.

When will I find a way to clean experience? I believe that I must find a power of belief to stop. I must really want to stop. I must really bring myself to despise smoking and drinking.

It is generally easier for me to quit drinking, I may have the genes for it but I can bee much more lively without it. Herb is far more preferable to me, and there are times where it can allow my mind to move in interesting ways. However, as Terence McKenna said herb is far overused in our society. It should really only be used ever week or two. This way you get the best effect, and allow the previous dose to fade from your system. I on the other hand am in the habit of smoking several times a day. This seems to be a most self destructive habit, and yet I find myself succumbing without much of a fight to abstain. May the purer of my thoughts plant seed and flourish, I pray to myself.

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