long black tears

monday is a day of long black tears
with heart torn and heavily bruised.
where i wonder again why didn’t i kill myself
so long ago, before i had met you.

only the simple joy of folding laundry
can save my life now.
why can’t i say goodbye to those
who go away, without remorse?

as a preteen i lost my mother
i should have just ended it all
way back then. for now i still have
the monumental pain of losing you.

moonday morning, bleak white sky
of winter. i only need to find
my direction again. a reason
to live again. without you in my life.

for now i am at a loss
with no reason to get up in the morning
and little hope of finding work.
and i wonder what i am to do with myself.

for what is my true reason for living?
how can i pull myself together and
find a way to make a new life?
it seems now all i can do is paint and sigh.

why? did i have to pin my heart on you.
no one should ever hang their reason for living
on the life and love of a lover, and yet
that is exactly what i made the mistake of doing.

i must refocus my heart to
the broadest face of humanity.
and live for strangers as well as
dear lovers and ancestors.

yet i will still long always
for the warmth of your
soft touch, and your sweat singing
salty on my skin in the night.

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Mourning on Moonday

Some days I wonder why I am alive, it seems like it would be more sensible to kill myself and end all this pain.
My life maybe considered easy by some, but for me it has been so difficult and filled with suffering. Although I have a plan I don’t see how it will solve my fundamental problems in life.
I just want a real solution.