It is so difficult to find a pansexual woman to be with when you are a transsexual lesbian in a smallish city. That is actually part of the reason I moved away from Honolulu, and came back to California. And yet, I wound up in Santa Barbara which feels pretty much the same size. 😛
Thankfully I have been able to make some friends in the local lesbian community, but that didn’t happen until a couple of women started a meet up.com group. Even though I’m willing to date older women and younger women, I’m not sure how much they are willing to date me. It doesn’t seem to matter how cute I am, how in shape I am, or how friendly I am. People seem to like me, but mostly only as a friend.
I’m about two months away from genital reconstruction surgery, and that will make me feel a little bit more comfortable in my body, and in bed with another woman. As excited as I am about this though, I’m not completely comfortable advertising it.
Living in a community that is mostly college age people and retirees, it is difficult to find somebody in the middle of their life like myself in my early 40s. After having so little success on OKCupid.com, I shut down my account for a while. Then at burning man, not expecting it at all I met a woman who was fantastic and I unexpectedly been in love with, but she lives 2500 miles away in Hawaii. I had some great times with her, and so much about the relationship was excellent but I don’t know how it’s going to move forward. I don’t know if I can move forward, but I don’t give up hope. Thankfully, I know I cannot be in a monogamous relationship and it just won’t work for me. At least that allows me to not feel trapped. When I have had a date here or there it’s been nice but not mind blowing.
Ultimately, I guess I really need to just keep working on myself and be happy by myself so that others will notice and want in on the action. If I can be happy by myself, then I will be at peace. I wish there wasn’t that piece of me that still wanted to have sex, get fucked, and make another woman come.
I have reopened my OKCupid.com profile, but there are so few women available here and online dating is bizarre.